Falling leaves & fluttering thoughts

Autumn has always been my most adored season, the crisp air, the warm sweaters and the smell of spices in every coffee shop makes my heart flutter with excitement. Autumn seems to welcome me like an old friend.

As cheesy as it sounds, Autumn makes me fall in love with myself. I find myself romanticizing every moment the minute the weather drops. Maybe it is because time slows down a bit, summer feels packed and I barely have a moment to think. All of a sudden, autumn makes me savour every moment and slow down. I will romanticize my walk to class, or reading a book cuddled up in blankets. All of a sudden, it seems like everything is working in my favour. I used to think this was simply because of luck, however, I realize it’s truly a positive mindset. I am able to see things in a positive way because I am happy.

There are times when I find it very funny to romanticize something as simple as a cup of coffee, but it is fun! It did not come naturally, it is something I have had to work on. It heavily includes working through insecurities and loving the parts of myself that I rather ignore. I overcame a lot of the cringy aspects of this tactic by thinking of it as an investment in myself.

I wrote down of a list of what I would view in an ideal self, and tried to work towards that daily. It began with something really small, but I worked towards clearing my acne and loving my skin without makeup. I focused on speaking to myself kindly and maintaining a strong skincare routine. It started seeping into other areas of my life. I was able to feel confident about my decisions, steps I wanted to take and what I was doing. I no longer felt the same anxiety in a room of people, but felt confident and walked into crowded places with a smile.

There was a time when I would seek someone else to validate me. The issue with that was that once they left, I still felt somewhat empty. This is where romanticizing my life came into play. I had to validate my own choices and make sure that I was content with who I was in order to feel fulfilled. I was no longer seeking external validation, but internal validation.

It goes beyond romanticizing your life, but truly putting yourself first. I think the best thing I have learnt is to love yourself the way you want to be loved. It changes a lot, I don’t think it will ever be constant, but it was important to figure out what are some aspects I would not compromise on.

Where does that leave me?

It isn’t easy to romanticize your life on a daily basis, but it is fun to do. There are moments when I find it very hard to romanticize something. Given that I want to be married one day, I have tried online dating. It is hard romanticize a guy holding a dead fish while smiling. It has worked for some of my friends, but I find that online dating lacks intention. Overall, it is a very disconnected process for me. Everyone deserves a love story that suits them, and I realized that finding love on a dating app is just not what I envisioned for myself.

I felt very happy when I deleted all the apps, I did not think twice. In order to romanticize my life, I have to make sure I am doing things that bring me joy and dating apps do not bring me joy (Marie Kondo your phone, besties!). Dating apps are very much providing external and superficial validation. It is fleeting. Again, I am not knocking on them completely, I just find it to be a limiting experience. I have always wanted to be married one day and have kids, so dating apps always seemed logical. I wanted to make sure I covered all my bases, but it came back to feeling unhappy.

Dating should be fun and not draining. It is hard to not feel an odd pressure about getting all these parts of my personal life together. I have friends who are engaged and getting married and I can’t help but think, when will it be my turn? This pressure felt worse when I was on dating apps. I suddenly scrutinized every profile more in order to reach the same level as my friends. It no longer was a fun experience, it was more of a race. I was dating with applied pressure. I felt that it would make me feel more accepted, I would not be left out, but I was leaving someone behind and that is the hopeless romantic within. I was silencing a key part of my beliefs in order to feel that I was hitting the same milestones as my friends.

If I can tell myself that I am only competing with myself, why did I make dating a race?

If I can romanticize getting coffee, I should be able to romanticize the bigger parts of my life too. That definitely extends to my dating life. Why should I limit myself now? I deserve to live my fairy tale and I know its out there. I never believed it before but I truly believe you run into love when you least expect it. Not because they will bump into me at a bookstore, but because I won’t be searching but stumbling upon it.

A home within

The same way leaves change colours during the fall, my views on love have also changed. There are not as many expectations on about someone else making me feel loved, but making sure I can find that from within.

I hope to one day run into someone who makes me feel the way I feel when I romanticize my life. A love that reminds me of home, comforting, warm and strong.

I know I will get married one day, and have everything I dreamed of. Good things take time, and as long as I work on myself, I get closer to my dreams everyday.

At 24, I have decided to stop putting pressure on myself. The way Autumn teaches us to let go and take time to renew, I am taking this time to renew my own views.

The same way I slow down in the fall, I am slowly reducing the self-inflicted pressures I have put on very trivial matters. As I enjoy the other moments of my life to the fullest, I am truly making sure I do not exclude any part. There is nothing worse than settling after all.