The harsh reality of growing up and being an adult is realizing that everything you ever wanted is not exactly what you need. When my parents would distinguish “needs” and “wants”, I thought they were getting off on a technicality to not buy me that new Barbie, but now the difference can not be clearer.

There are things I wanted when I was younger that seemed easily attainable, and now they are far from that. They are confusing, difficult and come with emotions I did not know I was even capable of.

I always assumed I was a confident person, however a big part of that confidence was derived from others affirming that I was confident. When individuals would gush about me saying they wished they had my confidence, I would sit in that feeling with pride and quickly replying “Oh, you can be just like me! Just don’t care what people think! You are amazing!” Yet, these were empty words. Because I DO CARE. I let it consume me, I have stayed up wondering why someone does not liking me, ignoring the individuals who do. I strongly want to convert those who do not like me into my fans. Oscillating between being a people pleaser and unapologetically myself, I find myself in a no man’s land of sorts. A place of darkness and longing. A room where I can find myself being the perfect girl, but the girl who just wants to be screaming to be heard is also there.

I find South Asian women are constantly told we are never enough. We are great, but we can be better. We are pretty, but only when we wear colours that bring out our complexion. We are great, but not enough. We decide when to stand up for ourselves and when to sit down, we understand the years of patriarchy that our families have endured and try and justify the comments made to ourselves, yet, we let those same comments consume us. South Asian women are understanding. We tend a listening year when our friends tell us about the harsh comments they hear from in-laws, try and show support. Yet we oscillate, between “that’s just how desi families are!” and “you do not deserve that”.

Somewhere between all that support, there is a silent understanding that there is no right answer. That family bonds are hard and that picture perfect relationship does not exist. That some people suck and they are your family, that is how the cookie crumbles.

We dream of a place that accepts us for who we are, yet know we are not living in that world yet. That movies like Barbie help dismantle some notions but not all… That our Bollywood movies where we question the treatment of the daughter-in-law is still a reality for many. That we can only tackle so many things.

Having traditional family values and living in a Western country lead for confusing emotions. At times, I want to break free from these ties and realize that I am not just a good Indian girl. At other times, I love what my culture brings and the values that have been inculcated into me. At times, I am reminded my family is modern. That I do not fit into the traditional ideal.

I do not know what defines me yet, and where I land between all these thoughts.

This led me to realizing I am inherently weak, I do not want to fight battles constantly. I want to be. I want to walk into my extended family without wondering if I look bad, or my hair in unruly.

I want future generations to walk into their in-laws home knowing they are enough and the way they are at home is the way they can be there. That values are what speak to people, not how many plates you wash.

I want judgement to be something that is not a top priority, appreciation is shown first.

I dream that this world exists. I dream one day, I find true confidence.