I love the number 7, I was born on the 7th of February and I adore the fact that 7 is seen as a lucky number in many cultures. However, for once in my life, the number 7 is joining me in a way I thought would not be possible. It’s highlighted by discomfort. 7 years ago, I embarked on my journey into what I thought was adulthood. From what I thought, it would be tough moments with access to more resources, after all, being 18 means having it all figured out. Now that I am a month away from turning 26, I realize I am at an odd crossroads, one where I want to discover more of who I am and another where I want to be content of where I am.

It has brought me to a serious question of who am I? Lately, I have not felt like myself, I have felt like my voice is lost and I have not found my place. I have allowed others to put me in a box of their liking and adhered to rules that made them comfortable.

It is the first year of adulthood where I have felt intense anger, angry that I have been complacent in my own life.

A recurring conversation I have with friends is regarding the validity of our emotions and how we give space to individuals who have not given us the same room. How that anger has festered under our skin and builds up in our mind, ready to explode at any moment, yet contained because we do not want to harm the other person. An echo chamber of thoughts where we can validate our own feelings and attempt to justify why others have hurt or neglect us in ways that surprise us.

I have been a complacent individual for 7 years, creating space for others to share their emotions and label me all while internalizing my own feelings. Storing those emotions deep inside so it does not jade further interactions.

Letting them tell me what I did or how I should behave. I am by no means a saint, I definitely talk about these individuals later, mocking their tone and their comments, perhaps a personal attack slipped in there, but they would not know. I find myself questioning why have I not stuck up for myself? Why did I silently allow these people to push a narrative that was untrue, how did I let one individual affect me to such an extreme extent? Why did I not just shut down instances by simply walking away?

My arm chair psychology makes me believe it is because of how I handled conflict as a child. I wanted everything to always be “ok”, if that meant resolving it by apologizing to my aggressor, so be it. Yet, the seed had been planted. I started remembering how I had forgiven people, even when they had hurt me, creating a meticulous list in my mind of people who owed me one without even knowing it. Yet, resolve had not really occurred, it was just this power trip I allowed myself to take in order to feel better about situations that affected me.

As an adult, not much has changed, that list remains, yet I find myself at the top of the list. Moments of my silence reminding me that I have allowed for unfavourable behaviour to come my way have hounded my mind.

Is it the good Indian girl in me? The one that noticed being loud gets you judged? The one that decided she needed to prove herself to others before taking a stand? The one that did not want to make others uncomfortable by showing them how they treat people of colour differently? Or have these all been excuses for me to stay silent?

For the first time in seven years, I find myself annoyed with my behaviour. Annoyed that I did not take the steps to walk away or navigate a conversation in a way that ensured my feelings would not be dismissed. I have been complacent in my own disrespect. Waved a green flag to individuals to treat me in ways they deem fit. I have stood down in the guise of being the bigger person, however all I have actually done is made myself smaller to make room for others.

Thus, a month before I turn 26, I want to grow the strength to assert my boundaries, to not question my own discomfort. To not make others comfortable at the expense of my own. To realize that standing up for myself is not disrespectful. That my feelings do not need to be validated by anyone other than myself. To giving myself the power I have given so many others. I am hoping the next time someone asks me if I am mad at them or if they bothered me, I tell them they did. I hope I stop protecting others feelings before my own.

Here is to my 26th year of life being surrounded with individuals who will take the time to understand me and give me the strength to stand up for myself.