Memory boxes

I have a box filled objects, polaroids and letters. I have treasured that box and opened it up every once in a while. I am a very sentimental person, if I could, I would keep every single ticket stub, little knick-knack.

I used to store all these away in the hope that one day when I look back, I would be able to relive every memory. My diaries are the only actual part of these boxes that have helped me do that.

I have been writing diaries since I was in elementary. I was not writing anything extremely important, mostly lofty goals and dreams, things I wanted. It serves as a subtle reminder that I truly always believed if I wrote things down, they could possibly happen.

Dear diary

A part of me holds onto memories because of the comfort they bring me. As I grew older, I felt comfortable in reliving in old memories, moments that felt like a cup of coffee, warm and a way to comfort the soul. Just like coffee, some are more bitter, but still helped me learn.

I am a big believer in “the energy you put out is the energy you get back”, thus began a focus on positive journalling. Being able to focus on the good and mute the negative became a huge factor. It’s not like negative thoughts do not sneak in, but since I put a focus on being positive, I have seen more positive things happen.

It was not just being able to see the glass half full, but I overcame a lot of small fears. I started being able to go to places alone without feeling overwhelmed and started developing an identity that was shaped by own values and not what I thought others around me expected.

I had always wanted to try spin classes, and I committed to a year of spin classes last year. It seems silly, but I had always written it down, one day I will try a spin class. My friend had organized an event and it allowed me to try it out, which allowed me to face a fear of workout classes that I once viewed as intense.

It felt like one small step for me, but bigger when I look back, it led to so many other positive changes. It really cemented that the more I invested in myself, the better my life could get.

My diary entries also changed, instead of focusing on the “what-ifs”, I was able to see the amazing things that happened. Even a small act as getting a large coffee instead of a small would become a highlight of my day. It was no longer about dressing like the girl I wanted to be, but showing up as the woman I dreamt to be.

Silent nights and loud thoughts

I started easily romanticizing the quiet moments, even though they would scare me before. I would feel silence could be deafening, and all of a sudden those moments became my favourite. Savouring a moment without being interrupted became a huge privilege.

Even though my earlier diaries were more melancholic, I am glad to be able to look back and see how a small change in perspective led to me becoming the person I always dreamt of.

I still struggle with living in the now. If we have ever had a conversation, I have definitely mentioned “wouldn’t it be great to have a book where everything is written down and you know what happens next?”. I wonder if that is why I hold onto old memories so hard, because I know them so well. Is that why I still want to remember the smells of the perfume I wore in Cegep or is it because someone mentioned how nice it was in class?

It’s these same memories that lead me back to focusing on the “what-ifs”. It makes me wonder, do my memories bring me comfort, or am I just hoping to change the outcome? I have to quickly remind myself that every decision from yesterday and brought me to today. I will make decisions, and not all will be great, but they are part of a bigger picture. I try to not focus on the past, but remind myself that I now know how to properly make a decision in order to not regret it.

My diaries remind me that while those memories are not all great, they have helped shape who I am today. I treasure the trinkets, but hold the personal growth just a little more.

I hope this was a friendly reminder to speak to yourself kindly and never think your dream life is out of reach. It’s at the tip of your fingertips, just pick up the pen and write it out.